I Just Want Myself

It's when we do things with our own strength that we will see inconsistencies. Annointing always break the yoke. :)

A Love Story

His side

         I remember the times I asked the Lord, “why does it have to be this, why? Why did she leave?” Maybe He wanted me to realize how lucky I am to have her. So I did my best to win her back. My best. But nothing happened. I could have loved her forever if she only let me. She doesn’t love me anymore. I asked Him again, “am I not worthy for her?” and He kept His silence. I cursed Him. It was painful to the point I don’t want to love again, then I said to myself, “Don’t fall for any girl. They’ll end up the same thing.” From that time, I almost forgot what love was, the feeling of being loved. So many flings and bullshits. I broke hearts after hearts. I caused tears and no single fuck was given.

But one day, I felt a tiny little pinch in my heart, I saw a girl. A sad little girl. We talked, exchanged numbers. We texted. We shared the same story. She hates guys for the same fucking reason. She was dumped. Her boyfriend was too dumb to realize her worth. And again, I asked the Lord “Is she the one you’re saving to kick my ass?” I laughed cos I know there is no way I could melt that heart. But I said to myself that THIS IS THE GIRL. I promised myself I’ll make her happy. So I began to annoy her. Well, that’s my thing. I was kinda successful and hurt at the same time. Cos every time I annoy her she’ll hit me. I mean HARD. But it was worth the hit. Her smile, giggles, laughs. I loved it. Even her frowns. I didn’t notice that I’m starting to love again. Until the day she said she doesn’t like me back. But that did not stop me from loving her.

Two years and counting, until numbers can’t define its value. I will still continue loving this girl that made me smile and love again. I will still make her happy no matter what. I won’t leave her side. This is the only promise I am sure I can/will do for her.  

 

Her side

Couple of years ago I fell in love and had my heart broken for the first time. I loved the guy so much to the point of believing that he is the one for me. He spoke promises and I ended up holding on to his words. But his love disappeared, he became colder and colder each day until I realized he’s gone, he left me hanging. He left me with an unanswered question. I kept asking myself "why? What happened? Where’d I go wrong? What have I done and did not do?” THE PROMISE OF FOREVER FADED.  I was bitter during those times. Bitter to him, and bitter towards opposite sex. I was cynical about love. But truth was..  false hopes were everywhere. Deep inside I was still hoping that one day everything will fall perfectly on its right place and we will still end up together. As time passed by, I got used of his absence and learned to move on but haven’t totally gotten over.

Then all along my bitter journey, I met another someone in the form of friendship. I was very fond of this person. I remember my high school guy friends when I’m with him. His trips, the way he treated me (as if I’m not a girl), the way we talked, and chatted, and annoyed each other. I actually liked him (as a friend) because he’s not the pabebe type of a guy. He didn’t show me signs of romanticizing things and that’s a good thing for me because at that time my heart was surrounded by walls so no one could enter and break it again. But one day, tables turned; he started endearing me with “baby” (in an annoying manner), and he’s hitting on me. He told me he likes me.  This guy also came from a failed relationship in the past. I rejected him and said I’m not ready to open my heart again cos for me all guys are the same. They will hurt you and tear your heart over and over.

But this someone did not stop from annoying me each day. He’s always beside me, irritating me, bullying me, being pa-cute on me, texting me, talking to me. Until one day I noticed that this someone has become a something to me. He makes me laugh with his jokes and lines, he makes me miss him when he’s not around. I realized this new someone has made a big impact in me. And finally I realized that the ex-someone’s gone and I am falling for this another someone. From my brokenness, he came along. When I thought the ex-someone stopped my capability of loving, this new someone came. Fixing me and reopening my heart once again.

I remember one time as I was watching Parokya ni Edgar’s gig, Chito Miranda quoted “lahat ng lalake g*go, pero pag nakita na nya yung babaeng mamahalin nya, magbabago yan.” I learned that all guys are the same, they will cause you shitty things, they will break your heart and tear it apart. No exception. Whether he hurts you intentionally or not, whether you think he is the one for you. But in spite of the heartaches he might give, choose to stay with a guy who’s willing to change for you. Because the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.

Two lives, two hearts joined together in friendship united forever in love. Two years of journey with this person. Two years of life learning and love learning lessons. Two years of togetherness. It feels like my heart’s been made new, all the memories of the past someone has vanished and my heart wells up with memories of this new someone. Two years.. and counting until forever. Til the things of the world can’t even handle the infinity of this love.

Falling in love is a cycle. A certain person will come unexpectedly. Just when you thought your heart’s closed, burned the key to the lock of it, and made it as hard as a stone, when love hits you, you have no way to escape. 

 

Forward always forward I go.

Taking a break seem like the perfect thing to do when love gets tough but if you’re brave enough to try something better, have a truthful conversation instead.

30 POSTS CHALLENGE

01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

02- The meaning behind your tumblr name

03- A picture of you and your friends

04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to 

06- Favorite super hero and why 

07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you 

08- Short term goals for this month and why 

09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days 

10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad 

11- Another picture of you and your friends 

12- How you found out about tumblr and why you made one 

13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently 

14- A picture of you and your family 

15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play 

16- Another picture of yourself 

17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why 

18- Plans/dreams/goals you have 

19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them 

20- Someone you see yourself marrying/ being with in the future 

21- A picture of something that makes you happy 

22- What makes you different from everyone else 

23- Something you crave for a lot 

24- A letter to your parents 

25- What I would find in your bag 

26- What you think about your friends 

27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge 

28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then? 

29- In this past month, what have you learned 

30- Who are you?

ARE YOU WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?




During a seminar, a woman asked,” How do I know if I am with the right person?”

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” 
In all seriousness, she answered “How did you know?”
"Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind." replied the author.

Here’s the answer:

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love.

People in love sometimes say, I was swept of my feet. Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this)

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: the universe determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go!

Statue

When a day is said and done,
In the middle of the night and your fast asleep, my love.
Stay awake looking at your beauty,
telling myself Im the luckiest man alive

Cause so many times I was certain you was gonna walk out of my life (life)
Why you take such a hold of me girl
when Im still trying to get my act right.
What is the reason, when you really could have any man you want,

I dont see, what I have to offer.
I shouldnt be in season, guess you could see I had potential.
Do you know your my miracle?

Im like a statue, stuck staring right at you,
Got me frozen in my tracks.
So amazed how you take me back,
Each and everytime our love collapsed
Statue, stuck staring right at you,
So when I’m lost for words,
Every time i disappoint you,
Its just cause I cant believe,
That youre so beautiful. (Stuck like a statue)
Dont wanna lose you, no. (Stuck like a statue)

Ask myself why are you even with me,
After all the shit I put you through,
Why did you make your heart song wit me
Its like youre living in an igloo
But baby your love is so warm it makes my shield melt down (down),
And everytime were both at war,
You make me come around.

What is the reason, when you really could have any man you want
I dont see, what I have to offer .
I shouldnt be in season,guess you could see I had potential.
Do you know your my miracle?

Im like a statue, stuck staring right at you,
Got me frozen in my tracks.
So amazed how you take me back,
Each and everytime our love collapsed.
Statue, stuck staring right at you,
So when Im lost for words,
Everytime i disappoint you,
Its just cause I cant believe,
That youre so beautiful. (Stuck like a statue)
Dont wanna lose you, no. (Stuck like a statue)
And youre so beautiful. (Stuck like a statue)
Dont wanna lose you, never. (Stuck like a statue)

Every single day of my life I thank my lucky stars,
God really had to spend extra time, when he sculptured your heart.
Cause theres no explanation,cant solve the equation
Its like you love me more than I love myself.

Im like a statue, stuck staring right at you,
Got me frozen in my tracks.
So amazed how you take me back,
Each and everytime our love collapsed.
Statue, stuck staring right at you,
So when Im lost for words,
everytime i disappoint you
Its just cause I cant believe,
That youre so beautiful. (You are the reason,)
Stuck like a statue. (The reason for living,)
Dont wanna lose you, no. (The reason for breathing)
Stuck like a statue. (Youre so beautiful)
And youre so beautiful. (And I want you to feel it)
Stuck like a statue. (Cause so bad Im needing)
Dont wanna lose you, no. (Youre the reason for breathing)
Stuck like a statue. (Youre so beautiful)
When a day is said and done,
And in the middle of the night youre fast asleep, my love…
Im the luckiest man alive.

Every time i wake up next to him and he’s still sleeping, i get this tiny little flutter of “Oooooh,” and want to do something between kissing him and pinching his cheek and squeezing him so hard he pops. But he looks so peaceful, so i let him sleep.

The transition that after some time, those long messages will eventually just be the simple ordinary greetings.

Fliptop #3

Pasensya na sa sama ng loob na naibibigay ko. 

Pasensya sa mga pagkukulang na di ko mapunan. Sa mga pangakong nawala, hirap ng matagpuan.

Para kong sapatos sa tyangge- di mo maiiwasang magduda,

Sa kalidad ng pagkatao di mo masasabing ako si budha.

Inulan kita ng kasalanan kaya hirap “magpaliwanag”,

pero sana wag magsawa sa unos ko di matinag.

-AFA, 12.29.13

Fliptop #2

I love you.

Mahal na mahal kita parang sapatos ni Imelda.

Pagi-ibig ko ginto treasure ni Yamashita.

I love you.

Sana anino na lang kita para lagi kang andyan sa tabi ko.

Mapaumaga o gabi ikaw lang kasama ko.

I love you.

Sabi nila mala Lupin III ako nung ninakaw ko ang puso mo.

Diskarteng batusai hitten mitsurugi mga kalaban ko.

Di ko naman masabi na ako na ang perfect boyfriend mo.

Pero these imperfections of being perfect ang magpapasaya sayo.

-Adrianne Astadan, 12.31.13